X-Men: The Last Stand (5/26)
May 24th, 2006Brett Ratner is to movie franchises what Raid is to anthills. If he were a mutant, his superpower would be ruining respected series with third movies so bad, they nullify the previous two. Just like how Ratner chopped up and devoured Hannibal Lecter with “Red Dragon,” he berzerker attacks the X-Men with “X-Men: The Last Stand.” This is officially the first movie starring a completely naked Rebecca Romijn that I will not buy, and that’s saying something considering how awful “Femme Fatale” was. When Rebecca’s Mystique character gets demutanized by the mutant serum, her body paint melting away to bare skin, I brushed my hand on my pants checking not for an erection, but a cell phone, with which I discovered to my dismay that there was still an hour of horrible movie left. I felt like Magneto trapped in his plastic prison at the end of the first movie. Remember “Batman Forever” and “Superman III?” That’s what you’re in for here should you be dumb enough to disobey my advice. It’s so bad that even “Superman Returns” couldn’t be worse. But “Spider-Man 3″ could.
