Making Up for Lost Time
Sorry, readers. I haven’t posted on this site in two months because the movies this summer sucked so bad that I finally went through with the promise to kill myself. It was the Jackson Five ABC musical number from “Clerks II” that finally made me use the toaster as a rubber duckie in the bathtub. It’s taken me this long to get back online because it’s hard to figure shit out when you’re an evil spirit instead of a regular person. Sure, there are advantages like getting to walk through walls and whatnot, but it’s got its downsides. For one thing, it’s tough to possess a keyboard to do your bidding. Finally I’ve managed the trick, so I thought I’d catch y’alls up on what you missed.
SUPERMAN RETURNS - This settles it. Superman is gayer than Robin. Going into this movie, in which the hero has been gone for five years, you’d expect him to be upset when he comes back and sees Lois Lane is getting married and has a kid. Of course he’d be jealous, right? Well yeah, except he’s jealous of Lois Lane for marrying James Marsden, whom he wants to nail so bad that he rescues several times in homoerotic fashion. The main problem with this movie is its gayness is boring instead of funny as it is in Brokeback Mountain.
CLERKS II - Kevin Smith, here’s some advice: Kill yourself like your movie made me do. Your soul will thank you profusely from being released for the fat tub of goo you’ve trapped it in for the past three decades plus. Once you’re dead, you can eat all the Krispy Kremes you want - now that they’ve gone into bankruptcy on earth, they’re finally open for biz here - without gaining a pound.
THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA - LOL, I’m like a hot chick who’s got a magazine job! And like, my boss is this total beyotch! And my boyfriend is Vincent Chase from Entourage! LOL! Ohmigod this job is so hard, like seriously, cause my boss is like the devil, and she’s got fashion sense. LOL! I have to like, decide whether to go to Paris and take my friend’s place or not. Wanna see my movie? No? OK, next movie I’ll take my shirt off again.
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MAN’S CHEST - All the stupid fucks around me wore eyepatches to see this. I was envious of them. I wish I had two eyepatches to block this inane shit storm from my corneas, and two peglegs jammed in my ears to bludgeon my eardrums rather than have to suffer through lines like “There will come a time when you’ll have the chance to do the right thing.” There will come a time when this 7-hour movie finally fucking ends, and I will have the chance to take a piss on the screen.
LITTLE MAN - What’s less funny than a Wayans brother? A Wayans brother that’s half the size! That joke may not funny, but it’s fucking Curb Your Enthusiasm compared to the sack-punching bullshit this movie tries to dress up as humor.
LADY IN THE WATER - Why didn’t the people of the 50s know to sterylize Opie when they had the chance? Had they done so, we wouldn’t have to watch his deranged offspring show up in M. Night Shyamalan’s increasingly stinking movies. What does Night see in her? Bryce Dallas Howard looks like her dad with botox, a bad shave and a wig. Her presence alone is enough to ruin the movie, but it’s made even worse by the director’s insistence on playing one of the main characters, who is the world’s greatest writer whose book will change mankind. I’m not making that up. Problem is, Mr. Swing Away isn’t making a comedy here.
TALLADEGA NIGHTS - THE BALLAD OF RICKY BOBBY - You know all those people who won’t shut the fuck up about how much they love Anchorman? I hate them. They don’t seem to like this one as much, even though it’s from the same director-actor team, and even though it’s a lot funnier. It still sucks though. Starts off funny for the first 20 minutes, then goes down faster than Nicole Richie at a Maxim party.
WORLD TRADE CENTER - Pretty exciting title there, Oliver Stone. Pretty exciting premise, too. Guys are stuck under the 9/11 rubble for two hours. How about you make a movie in which the characters actually get to move? Even immobility can’t stop Nicolas Cage from overacting.