Mean Reviews

You’ve seen this one already, even if you haven’t partaken of the 1976 version of “The Omen.” Every moment of craptitude from this dungfest was copied from other horror movies, from the shrieking shock score to the quick-cutting demonic imagery to the cage of wild freaked-out monkeys.

The poor monkeys. What did they ever do to deserve to be associated with such a shitty movie? At least there’s some justification for punishing the weird demon-boy who plays Damien, since he’s human and all humans are afflicted by Original Sin because our incestual caveman ancestors talked to a snake, covered their hoohas with leaves and ate an apple. By all means punish the boy, but save the monkeys! They’ve never done anything wrong, save for hurling poop and semen at unsuspecting passers-by at the San Diego Wild Animal Park. Even at their lowest, monkeys are entertaining.

The movie isn’t totally bad. There’s a part where Julia Stiles hangs from an indoor balcony, slowly losing her grip and plummeting into oblivion. Devil-child looks on coldly, as if to say, “How’s that Yale education helping you now, beyotch?” It was a nice scene, but it had me wanting more. “Ressurect her as a devil-zombie!” I shouted silently at the screen, in hopes that I’d get to see Julia die again. Luckily the film let her live on so she could later be suffocated in the hospital by Mia Farrow. Julia had it coming. Earlier she tried to molest and marry Mia’s adopted Asian daughter.

The movie was dfgagjjkjraahg, which is demon-language for “shit.” Give me the monkeys, Mia and $15 I’ll make you a better movie.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, June 6th, 2006 at 2:42 pm and is filed under Whatever. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.