Mean Reviews

I was paging through a stack of week-old Varieties when I stumbled upon a story about “Marie Antoinette.” I saw this picture and I wondered why people weren’t making a bigger deal that Katharine Hepburn had returned from the dead. Then I rubbed my eyes and realized that it wasn’t Hepburn after all - it was Skeletor! Finally I came to my senses and overcame my mental block to confirm a devastating fear. The ghastly-looking beast in the blue dress was neither a dead 100-year-old movie star nor He-Man’s cackling arch nemesis, but former object of my lust Kirsten Dunst! It’s amazing I’m able to type coherently right now because I’m shuddering constantly. Seriously, I’m flashing back to that “The Legend of Zelda” cartoon episode where Link finally gets to make out with Zelda, but then she transforms and Link finds out he was really dry-humping Ganon. Kirsten, I want all the sperm back that I wasted whacking to you in “Bring it On.”

This entry was posted on Wednesday, May 31st, 2006 at 9:16 am and is filed under Whatever. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.