Not So Mean Review: The Da Vinci Code (5/19)
I really planned on hating this. The advance word from Cannes was that the film sucked harder than Paul Walker at an audition. I was hard at work in my Evil Critic Cave, concocting anagrams for “shitty movie,” “Tom Hanks is worthless” and “Opie sucks at directing.” Picking on this overblown movie adaptation of an overpraised, crappily written novel was going to be as fun and easy as playing “Duck Hunt” by sticking your old NES light gun right up ot the screen.
And then the worst thing happened. I went into the screening and I really liked the film. It’s just as much fun to watch as the book is to read. Believe it or not, that’s a compliment.
“The Da Vinci Code” is eternal proof to me that you can’t trust Frenchy. True, it was mainly American voices who reported after Tuesday’s World Premiere screening that the movie was garbage, but I chalk the mass hatred up to meek visitors wanting to go with the flow. The French are predisposed to hating this movie because A.) It comes from the land of Freedom Fries, and B.) Its premise is that a load of ancient Christian mysteries having to do with land and buildings the French have inhabited for centuries and have been too dumb to discover themselves. Reading the early reviews, combined with my experience of watching the ridiculously bad trailers, co-starring Tom Hanks’ Pepe Le Pew-like hair, convinced me I was in for 2 1/2 hours of agony. I should have been wiser, though, and remembered that the Cannes audience is the same bizarre lot that gave “Faherenheit 9/11″ a 25-minute standing ovation two years ago. I’m sorry, but NOTHING is worth standing and clapping 25 minutes over. If Jesus came back to walk the earth and ring in the redemption of all humanity, maybe I’d stand and clap for like 45 seconds.
Anyway, Cannes people are insane, so don’t listen to them “The Da Vinci Code” is good, which is an anagram for “o god.”
