Mean Reviews

Just what I always suspected. There are no “accidents” - cars have just always had a secret conspiracy to murder us all. The animated comedy “Cars” is set in the time in which the vehicles have completed their genocide, having completely wiped humans of the planet. Ungrateful bastards. At least the Matrix robots had the decency to keep us alive as batteries.

The movie was terrible, which is surprising for a Pixar joint. It’s all bad car puns and awkward car romance. I couldn’t generate any sympathy for the murderous bastards, and even worse, there’s no humor in the movie. At one point Owen Wilson Car snaps at another car he’s pissed at with the zinger, “You go zero to 60 in what, 3.5 years?” Oh yeah, he went there. Since nothing at all happened that was funny in any way, it gave me a lot of time to ponder some questions:

When Owen Wilson Car rides inside his friend, Mack the Trailer Truck, does that count as sex?

Is it wrong for me to be attracted to the slut car played by Bonnie Hunt? I mean, I wouldn’t bang Bonnie Hunt in real life, and I almost never would screw a car.

Why did they hire NASCAR guys to do “cameos” when we don’t even see their faces? Is the voice of Dale Earnhardt Jr. that recongizable?

I assume since they can announce sporting events and hosts late-night talk shows that they have also nailed down the finer points of oil drilling and distribution. But what happens to all these cars when the world runs out of fossil fuels? Do they have a backup plan?

If a car pumps its own gas, does that count as masturbation? If so, I want to be a car so I can defend my chronic masturbation as a necessary action to prolong my life.

How did thise piece of shit script get approved? Did the Bonnie Hunt Slut Car trade sexual favors with some producers? If so, I’m jealous of the producers.

Why wasn’t Owen Wilson Car’s hood crooked like his nose in real life?

As the Mean Girl mentioned in an earlier post, famous old actors often star in horrible cartoons such as this right before they die. Does this mean Paul Newman is in for some “Final Destination”-style Rube Goldberg death? If so, he deserves it for appearing in this nonsense.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, June 7th, 2006 at 3:47 pm and is filed under Whatever. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.