Review: Joyeux Noel
POSTED BY: EXTRA MEAN
Back in World War I, the French, Scottish and Germans stopped severing one another’s limbs to offer to celebrate Christmas together. This premise really had me amped, because I thought this would be a great opportunity for one side to yell “snap!” whip out submachine guns and waste their foolish enemies in cold blood. Corpses would be made into Swiss cheese and dropped, riddled with bullets whose firing sounds would keep the rhythm of Christmas Carols. Maybe Arnold Schwarzenegger would even pop up from behind a rock, knife some dude and say “Silent night, asshole.”
I was stunned and depressed to discover that this is not what happened in the movie, a best foreign language film Oscar loser. Instead of exploiting the obvious tactical advantage of perceived peace on earth and good will toward man for easy kills, all these shitheads actually joined up in a field and celebrated the holiday together. The exchanged addresses; they traded old dead bodies. They even played soccer together. Now, I happen to be a World War I expert, since I’ve played through it so many times on my Xbox games, and one thing’s for sure: If my troops are playing soccer, it’s with the Kaiser’s severed head.
Nothing at all in the movie makes sense. For one, I couldn’t understand anything anyone was saying. Everyone’s running around talking gibberish. For this reason, dumb little words are scrawled across the screen. What do they, expect me to read? If I want to read I’ll get a comic book, beyotches. The rest of the world needs to learn to speak English or else we’ll invade their country, topple their statues and be greeted as liberators.
What, is this a fucking Barney episode or World War I?