Mean Reviews

Summer is all about remakes, such as the upcoming “The Omen,” which is a remake of… “The Omen.” Great job of thinking of a title, guys. “The Break-up” at least uses a little creativity. Instead of just picking one movie to trace over and rerelease with new stars, it chooses the lead characters from two franchises: The Mummy from “The Mummy Returns.” and the Pillsbury Doughboy from “Ghostbusters II.”

Talk about your odd couples. Mummy harrasses Doughboy about leaving his socks on the couch and playing too much GTA San Andreas, while Doughboy just eats stuff and roars. Mummy breaks up with Doughboy, but they’re stuck living together in their Chicago condo because both are too poor to live on their own. Finding other mates to latch onto and split rents with isn’t an option, because no one wants to fuck either old, old mummies or fat, fat doughboys, even in Chicago, where - at least according to Second City homegirl The Mean Girl - people cover up so much that it’s tough to tell exactly how wrinkled and fat others are until it’s time to get down to business.

Did the movie make me laugh? Sure it did. I’ve been a huge fan of Doughboy ever since he went by the name of Vince Vaughn and starred in “Swingers,” the greatest movie ever made by someone not named Richard Linklater. Doughboy even gets to reteam for a few scenes with his good pal Mikey, who’s way, way fatter now than even Doughboy himself. They sit together at Wrigley Field and ooze out of their seats so much so that the game is called on account of blubber. I liked the Mummy, too, because I remember back to the era when she was really hot-looking. You know, before she was killed by Brendan Fraser and embalmed in the pharoah’s tomb. In one scene the Mummy decides her looks have fallen off a bit so she goes for a makeover, changing her clothes and getting a painful snatchwax (the latter scene is affixed with a tag that clearly reads: PROPERTY OF THE 40-YEAR-OLD VIRGIN). If only she had time to go in for face and personality transplants as well.

So the two lovers fight and fight and fight, proving that Mummies are from Mercury and Doughboys are from Safeway. Aw, how cute. This is the best romantic comedy since “Alien vs. Predator.”