Mean Reviews

POSTED BY: EXTRA MEAN

I hate Tim Allen, as an actor AND as a human being. I’ve never met the man, but after watching his latest venture into the depths of family comedy hell “The Shaggy Dog,” I can say with complete confidence that the former convicted drug dealer/actor/comedian is so competely rife with evil, the Bush administration should name him as his entirely own Axis. I used to feel bad for that dude in “A Clockwork Orange,” the one who had his eyes pried open with wire brackets while being forced to watch the brainwashing stuff that shredded the fabric of his psyche. But now, after having suffered the sight of Allen debasing himself, running around on all fours — like a dog, get it? — and barking in a courtroom, that Clockwork Orange pussy should pity me and anyone else the Crap Film Secret Police have dragged to sit through this interminable shit fest.

Like all recent Disney movies — actually, fuck that, all recent studio movies, “Shaggy” is a remake of an equally terrible movie from 47 years ago. This one features a dog-hating man who gets bit my a magic puppy, causing him to turn into a dog (oh, the irony! Please, stop before I wet myself from laughing too hard), then occasionally back into a human with doglike qualities, thus providing the aforementioned insufferably hilarious courtroom scenes. To his credit, Allen does do a lot of things a dog would do if it had the chance to inhabit a human body, but for all his method acting, he manages to avoid anything that could possibly fall under the vague category of “funny,” not even going for the de rigeur attempts at gross-out humor. Not once does Allen get all up in someone’s ass for a good sniff or make to a feeble attempt to fellate his own miniscule penis. On second thought, I guess we should be thankful for that. If just once, douchebag-turned-doggy Allen had started humping the furniture or wiping his butt on the carpet — things every dog that’s ever lived does — this concept could possibly, maybe, sorta, but not likely have actually been less un-funny. Alas, Allen, who would have been better off staying home grunting and masturbating to tapes his of his old standup shows, sucks all the humor out of a paper-thin conceit. Fail. But honestly, as downright rape-your-grandma-and-strangle-a-kitten awful as Shaggy Dog is, Allen’s “Christmas With the Kranks” was even worse.