Mean Reviews

It’s almost over. It’s almost over. It’s almost over. Praise Jesus.

Well, everyone thinks Elliot is going away. Not that it matters. He’s a nice guy, but it’s not like he’s going to have a career or something even if he wins. Rather than the whole recording contract thing, maybe, if he manages to beat McPhee, he should win her veneers. Not the same kind. Her actual veneers.

Die in a fire.

Better than the Prom Queen, but really…who likes this sort of music? Who is voting for this? You are the people who like Michael Bolton. You are the people who ruin things for the rest of us.

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA. I guess America doesn’t like bad Creed rip-offs after all! Here’s the thing, Chris is better than Taylor but Taylor sings Sam Cooke and Chris sings Bryan Adams.

As much as Taylor is rediculously suckass…BRYAN ADAMS? For pete’s sake. At least Taylor can recognize good music when other people are singing it.
Anyway, I think the sunglasses were his downfall. Too Ace Young.

Oh thank god, It’s almost over.

Boxers or Briefs? Ew, who cares. He probably shaves his pubes into the shape of the Safeway logo too. Gross. Oh yeah, and his second song suckkkkkeeddd.

Doesn’t anyone else think “In the Ghetto” is embarassingly dated?

1) She sang a medly.

2) She forgot the lyrics to both songs. HAHAHAHA. Whoopsy!

3) Those clothes. She should have got a titty out, it’s the only reason people vote for her.

4) Those were not the notes.

So you may have noticed that I didn’t recap American Idol this week. Why not? Well, it’s nice outside. Also, I don’t care. Not that I ever cared–I have to watch this shit for work. That’s the premise of this website.

Anyway, as far as I can tell NO ONE WATCHED IT this week. Why? Because everyone knew that Vanessa Huxtable was going to get voted off.

And, I’m sorry Amish boy–but you’re next. I say just quit now and go start a career. Hell, If I had money I’d give you your own reality show. It would be called:
Lancaster Undercover: Yamin the Diabetic Amish Ninja (with singing).

Oh you know you’d watch it.

Here are my late recaps (I just watched it on Tivo):

I came in from the other room to see who was anally raping a duck. Oh, it was just Rachael Ray singing.

Yep, those weren’t the notes.

Uh, play that funky music white boy. There is officially nothing I can say. I hope this person dies in a car fire. Not really, but almost.

This poor bastard. If he wins this thing and starts a ‘rock band’ no one is going to let him on tour with them. How sad is your life when Nickleback won’t hang out with you?

Enjoy your last week, then it’s back to husking corn. Don’t shoot the blogger. I like him too. I’d let him house sit, ok. I’d do that for him.

Hey! Pickler finally fell off that cruise ship that we call American Idol.

Anyone taking bets on how long before she’s found in someone’s trunk?

“Hey, where’s the candy? I thought you said you had candy! What? Hey is that gun? Wow, hey it’s really dark inside the little hole at the end—”

Katharine McPhee tried to show us her bidness, Taylor has completely stopped twitching, and Paris sings songs my grandmother was too cool for. Also, no less than 4 songs from the soundtracks of bad movies…2 of them directed by Jerry Zucker! They are: Ghost, The Bodyguard, Naked Gun 2 1/2, and Don Juan De Marco. Who picks this shit?

Holy fuck, could that have been worse? Seriously. I have heard dogs bark jingle bells better than that.

So Taylor isn’t twitching at all anymore. I guess that was all affected, huh? This guy sucks.

Hey, my dead grandmother called and said that song choice was a bit old for her and she was born before Oklahoma was a state.

I’m not a dyke but, let’s face it, I’d rather look at this girl’s vagina than hear her sing. Thanks for showing me your ugly yellow panties in 1080i.

This person is good. What is he doing on this show? Quit!

Oh god. Not Bryan Adams from a movie soundtrack. Worst taste ever.

Bottom 3:

The Toenail in our 5$ Milkshake:

Ok it’s not a Nip Slip and it’s not really her kitty, it’s just some matching yellow panties, but it’s funny as shit. Yes, I’m sure that’s not poon, you could see her panty lines if you had HD. It was nasty.
That dress was as bad as her version of the song. When is this bitch going to realize that she’s just not good enough for the songs she picks?

Yes, here it is, your weekly Idol round-up.

GO HOME GO HOME GO HOME. ARGH. WE HATE YOU.

Chris was boring and they had him dressed like a 19th century bartender. Put a mustache on him and he’d be perfect for a Guinness commercial. “Seacrest is gay? Brilliant!”

Hi, ho the boatman go, up and down the river on the O-HI-O.

We’re sorry, there’s already a Kelly Clarkeson logged in. Please try again later.

Paris, Paris, Paris. What in god’s name were you wearing!? It wasn’t a job interview! You are not the receptionist at First National. Wait a minute. I forgot. You will be soon, won’t you?

People have been talking about how this guy is going to win. America deserves this douchefountain.

Kellie completely butchered that song. The song is dead by the side of the dirt road that leads into her trailer park.

Our Bottom 3:

Holy Christ on a Cracker, last night sucked. I know I say that every week. Well, I don’t like American Idol. But last night sucked for American Idol. Hey, at least when people sing like that at the bar, you’re drunk. Last night was like walking past the ‘Rock Star’ booth at Six Flags…

painful.

Missing Co-ed Pickler looked and sounded like shit. What was that hair about? She looked like one of the Nelsons. The one that had bangs. Not Gunnar, the other one.

The freakshow is over, now it’s just awkward. He’s not weird enough to be funny and he’s not good enough to be entertaining. Watching this guy is like watching cruise ship entertainment.

Better this week than last week, but we’re still sick of Vanessa Huxtable. And that outfit? Who is dressing these people? It’s like someone has been reading fashion magazines upside down.

Rachael Ray sounded off-key and bad to me. Ew, and her Scientology Stage Mom was there. Gross!

Yay! Amish!

Yes, just because you have that semi-obscure Queen song on your WinAmp playlist it will be a great to sing for 30 million people. Douchebag.

“Ya’ll got your tickets? You need tickets. You need to get them over at the booth. I don’t take cash. You want to ride the Zipper, ya’ll gots to get tickets over at the booth.”

That song was the worst thing ever. Ace fucked up the one note the song has, forgot the lyrics, and looked like a doofus. Ugh, why do people watch this fucking show. It’s terrible.
Our Bottom Three, it’s white boy day!: