Mean Reviews

I’m going to be honest with you, I thought this season sucked. Not because of any part of it in particular–but because it was unfocused. It was all over the place. Rather than spend all that time on Artie restaurant fucknut subplot–maybe find a real plot?

Anyway, here are a few quotes from the HBO message boards–always a fun read.

“Are you f*king kiddin me? from tony being in a coma, to homo vito, to ?????? Thanks Mr. Chase for a dissapointing season! Where the hell were you going with this?”

” Very sad finale’…completely unimpressed…I had such high hopes too.”

“A shitty finale to a shitty season, David chase and company thanks for wasting every viewers time. Your as creative as my toe nail!”

“As much as I loved the show that I thought was the Sopranos, this season has sucked so bad they can keep the rest of it-To quote our beloved leader”fool me once sh..shame on me…fool me twice…uh..you can’t fool me again!”

” Chase should do us all a favour and cancel the final eight shows.”

“I wish I could block this whole season out of my memory because it soured my view on the show, I can’t believe how incredibly dull and boring this season was i felt like i was watching days of our lives in spanish for an hour every sunday..”

More after the jump!

(more…)

It’s almost over. It’s almost over. It’s almost over. Praise Jesus.

Well, everyone thinks Elliot is going away. Not that it matters. He’s a nice guy, but it’s not like he’s going to have a career or something even if he wins. Rather than the whole recording contract thing, maybe, if he manages to beat McPhee, he should win her veneers. Not the same kind. Her actual veneers.

Die in a fire.

Better than the Prom Queen, but really…who likes this sort of music? Who is voting for this? You are the people who like Michael Bolton. You are the people who ruin things for the rest of us.

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA. I guess America doesn’t like bad Creed rip-offs after all! Here’s the thing, Chris is better than Taylor but Taylor sings Sam Cooke and Chris sings Bryan Adams.

As much as Taylor is rediculously suckass…BRYAN ADAMS? For pete’s sake. At least Taylor can recognize good music when other people are singing it.
Anyway, I think the sunglasses were his downfall. Too Ace Young.

Oh thank god, It’s almost over.

Boxers or Briefs? Ew, who cares. He probably shaves his pubes into the shape of the Safeway logo too. Gross. Oh yeah, and his second song suckkkkkeeddd.

Doesn’t anyone else think “In the Ghetto” is embarassingly dated?

1) She sang a medly.

2) She forgot the lyrics to both songs. HAHAHAHA. Whoopsy!

3) Those clothes. She should have got a titty out, it’s the only reason people vote for her.

4) Those were not the notes.

So you may have noticed that I didn’t recap American Idol this week. Why not? Well, it’s nice outside. Also, I don’t care. Not that I ever cared–I have to watch this shit for work. That’s the premise of this website.

Anyway, as far as I can tell NO ONE WATCHED IT this week. Why? Because everyone knew that Vanessa Huxtable was going to get voted off.

And, I’m sorry Amish boy–but you’re next. I say just quit now and go start a career. Hell, If I had money I’d give you your own reality show. It would be called:
Lancaster Undercover: Yamin the Diabetic Amish Ninja (with singing).

Oh you know you’d watch it.

Here are my late recaps (I just watched it on Tivo):

I came in from the other room to see who was anally raping a duck. Oh, it was just Rachael Ray singing.

Yep, those weren’t the notes.

Uh, play that funky music white boy. There is officially nothing I can say. I hope this person dies in a car fire. Not really, but almost.

This poor bastard. If he wins this thing and starts a ‘rock band’ no one is going to let him on tour with them. How sad is your life when Nickleback won’t hang out with you?

Enjoy your last week, then it’s back to husking corn. Don’t shoot the blogger. I like him too. I’d let him house sit, ok. I’d do that for him.

Hey! Pickler finally fell off that cruise ship that we call American Idol.

Anyone taking bets on how long before she’s found in someone’s trunk?

“Hey, where’s the candy? I thought you said you had candy! What? Hey is that gun? Wow, hey it’s really dark inside the little hole at the end—”

Katharine McPhee tried to show us her bidness, Taylor has completely stopped twitching, and Paris sings songs my grandmother was too cool for. Also, no less than 4 songs from the soundtracks of bad movies…2 of them directed by Jerry Zucker! They are: Ghost, The Bodyguard, Naked Gun 2 1/2, and Don Juan De Marco. Who picks this shit?

Holy fuck, could that have been worse? Seriously. I have heard dogs bark jingle bells better than that.

So Taylor isn’t twitching at all anymore. I guess that was all affected, huh? This guy sucks.

Hey, my dead grandmother called and said that song choice was a bit old for her and she was born before Oklahoma was a state.

I’m not a dyke but, let’s face it, I’d rather look at this girl’s vagina than hear her sing. Thanks for showing me your ugly yellow panties in 1080i.

This person is good. What is he doing on this show? Quit!

Oh god. Not Bryan Adams from a movie soundtrack. Worst taste ever.

Bottom 3:

The Toenail in our 5$ Milkshake:

Ok it’s not a Nip Slip and it’s not really her kitty, it’s just some matching yellow panties, but it’s funny as shit. Yes, I’m sure that’s not poon, you could see her panty lines if you had HD. It was nasty.
That dress was as bad as her version of the song. When is this bitch going to realize that she’s just not good enough for the songs she picks?

Yes, here it is, your weekly Idol round-up.

GO HOME GO HOME GO HOME. ARGH. WE HATE YOU.

Chris was boring and they had him dressed like a 19th century bartender. Put a mustache on him and he’d be perfect for a Guinness commercial. “Seacrest is gay? Brilliant!”

Hi, ho the boatman go, up and down the river on the O-HI-O.

We’re sorry, there’s already a Kelly Clarkeson logged in. Please try again later.

Paris, Paris, Paris. What in god’s name were you wearing!? It wasn’t a job interview! You are not the receptionist at First National. Wait a minute. I forgot. You will be soon, won’t you?

People have been talking about how this guy is going to win. America deserves this douchefountain.

Kellie completely butchered that song. The song is dead by the side of the dirt road that leads into her trailer park.

Our Bottom 3:

Proving that studios will release literally anything on DVD, here’s Doogie Howser season 4.

From the press release:

“He began as a 16 year old doctor, but now ‘boy genius’ Doogie Howser (Neil Patrick Harris) is a young man dealing with the adult dilemmas of self-doubt, sexual relationships, racial tensions, new roommates, gun control, child abuse and beyond. This fourth and final season includes such fanfavorite episodes as “There’s A Riot Going On”, “The Adventures Of Sherlock Howser”, “You’ve Come A Long Way, Babysitter”, the Emmy® Award winning “Doogie Got A Gun”, and much more. “

Emmy® Award Winning? Seriously? Wow. That explains why there are all those Emmys in my bathroom. They keep showing up every time I eat too much spicy food.