While Extra Mean is off watching this steaming hunk of poo for his job, The Catholic League is putting together a compilation of the nastiest things that critics are saying about the movie as the reviews start rolling in. Hey religious bitches, why you gotta steal our schtick?
The Mean Girl: see the da vinci code yet?
Extra Mean: 36 minutes away
Extra Mean: just meanreviewed cars
The Mean Girl: did it suck?
The Mean Girl: because it seemed like it would suck
Extra Mean: Cars is so fucking terrible, and so will be Da Vinci code
The Mean Girl: yeah
Extra Mean: the first bad pixar movie
The Mean Girl: I couldn’t get through the trailer
The Mean Girl: I kept cringing. “Don’t you big city cars ever just take a drive?”
The Mean Girl: alllow me to vomit feces like on last night’s episode of House
Extra Mean: time to go learn about the sacred feminine. I’m going to count how many times they say sacred feminine.
The Mean Girl: go with god, my son.
Oh god, this looks like the worst movie ever made. You know what, I always get worried when amazing old actors like Paul Newman start doing voice parts in shitty cartoon movies. It means they are about to die.
Orson Welles’ last movie was Transformers.
Jimmy Stewart’s last movie was Fivel Goes West.
Paul..take your vitamins.
Don’t get me wrong, I love Miami Vice. I even love Michael Mann. But here’s what I love about them:
1) Manhunter
2) Theif
3) Bad 80’s Synth
4) Crockett, as in Don Johnson
5) Random instances of Pam Grier and Penn Juilett
Sadly, none of these things apply. All told, I’d rather watch Vice City the movie. Rock Star understands what is great about 80’s Miami. Who cares about Miami 2006? Even Elian Gonzales doesn’t care…bitch is like “Viva Cuba.”
Based on the new trailer for The Lady in The Water, M. Night is really sorry.
“Look! Real Monsters! OK! SRSLY, OMG. SCARY, right? And, and, and PAUL SIDEWAYS. Everyone thinks that movies are good when he is in them! OK? I’m still the best director ever, right? Right? As good as Hitchcock, right? Right?”
And what’s up with Bryce Dallas Howard? Was Lindsay Lohan too busy snorting coke off Brett Ratner’s ass?
Yes, Tom Cruise, no one likes you! From Box Office Mojo:
Mission: Impossible III detonated with an estimated $48 million, below such other recent spy pictures as The Bourne Supremacy and Mr. & Mrs. Smith. At 4,054 theaters, the $150 million action spectacle had the fourth widest launch ever but did not achieve a commensurate height in box office, trailing its predecessors by a wide margin in terms of attendance.
That’s what you get for being so fuckin’ creepy! Also, from Dlisted, a picture of Katie Holmes showing off a nursing bra:
Tom: Pull your shirt over more so they can get a shot of it.
Katie: This is embarassing. I already look like hell, don’t you think that’s evidence enough that I’ve given birth? My thighs are twice as big as yours, it’s depressing. Why do we need to go to these lengths?
Tom: Shut up or it’s two more hours on the treadmill and 16 more boxes of ho-hos for you. You have to look fat and exhausted or I’m giving the 25 million to Scarlett Johannson and telling the media that you got herpes from that American Pie guy.
Katie: Nooooooo. Mommy wants Valtrex and Manolos.
Tom: By the way, tell that bitch who is typing this that your name is Kate now. As in, my plane–the “Kiss me, Kate.” You fuck with me and the plane is going to be called the “Kiss Me, Kate (But Only When You’re Not Outbreakin’).” You don’t know the history of aviation.
Kate: I love cupcakes.
So let me get this straight.
1) Daniel Craig looks like Patrick McGoohan from The Prisoner, so they make him the new James Bond.
2) It’s a prequel, so naturally it’s set in 2006. Brilliant.
You know what I do want to see? A James Bond movie set in the 1960’s. You know, when there was a cold war. When James Bond was still interesting and the slutty pun names were still funny. When M was played by a dude.
Oh well. Here’s the trailer.
Yes, this probably sucks, but it has pirates so it’s immediately better than all the best picture winners combined into one huge best picture winning movie called Driving Miss Braveheart, I Crashed the Million Dollar Titanic Gladiator of the Rings III: The Return of The Godfather.
Maybe I’m getting old and bitchy and joyless. Maybe someone should just drag me out into the field and shoot me.
Maybe I just hate Kevin Spacey.
All I know is this movie looks really bad. Bryan Singer abandoned Xmen for…this?